What to do......

Discussion in 'Vaping Related But Doesn't Fit In a Category' started by wildgypsy70, Nov 14, 2019.

  1. wildgypsy70

    wildgypsy70 My son calls me "vape mom" Staff Member Senior Moderator VU Donator Gold Contributor Member For 3 Years VU Challenge Team

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    Hey, all! I need some advice......

    My kinda sorta step son(14)has been caught with vaping stuff for the second time.

    I’m not his mom and both parents are very involved in raising him.....so I won’t have much say in what happens, but being the somewhat expert in vaping among the three of us, I feel like I need to contribute somehow.

    I love this kid but he’s been caught in multiple lies, stealing and he has severe ADHD. No concept of past or future. Failing classes. My kids were tough, but he’s a totally different kid. And he’s adopted, which creates a whole new dynamic.

    So....what would you do if you caught your 14 year old with vaping stuff?
     
  2. Anibird

    Anibird Platinum Contributor Member For 1 Year Reddit Exile

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    Damn. In my day we would have been caught smoking. Surely the parents have some type of discipline in place to handle serious issues. Btw, I'm adopted too and that shouldn't play any part in what's done.
    All I can say is take away the vape stuff, limit his access to money so he can't buy more and possibly keep him away from his supposed friends who may be helping him vape.
    I would have just been grounded but I'm not sure if that works with today's kids. I feel for you. Good luck!
     
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  3. DaBunny

    DaBunny Bronze Contributor

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    what REALLY interests him...??
    devote your and His energy in that direction..
    and remember to reward good behavior.

    14 you can beat em 1/2 to death and he will just TUNE YOU OUT.

    so what dose he like?
    cars?
    remote control stuff?
    computers?
    art?

    i suggest baby steps with see all good things happen when you go in THIS direction.
     
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  4. wildgypsy70

    wildgypsy70 My son calls me "vape mom" Staff Member Senior Moderator VU Donator Gold Contributor Member For 3 Years VU Challenge Team

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    Yeah....I’m going to need all the luck I can get.

    The adopted thing shouldn’t have anything to do with it, but in his case it does. He’s Korean with white parents. He gets bullied mercilessly at school. He’s one of maybe 3 Asian kids in the whole high school. It affects him. But you’re right, it shouldn’t. And I wasn’t trying to excuse his behavior because of it, but it does play a part in his mental
    stuff. I’m sorry if I came across that way.

    I would have been grounded for at least a month! And it would’ve worked! But this kid? Nothing seems to work.
     
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  5. wildgypsy70

    wildgypsy70 My son calls me "vape mom" Staff Member Senior Moderator VU Donator Gold Contributor Member For 3 Years VU Challenge Team

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    He loves screens of any kind.

    But that’s the rub.....we’ve grounded him from screens for weeks at a time. Nothing. No change in behavior. Grounded him from after school activities. Nothing. Instead, he sneaks screens, sneaks trying to do wrestling(like he did yesterday).
     
  6. Jinx'd

    Jinx'd Platinum Contributor Member For 1 Year

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    seems to me that vape is the least of his problems. what the real problem is, idk, but that is where i would focus.
     
  7. nadalama

    nadalama Senior Moderator Staff Member Senior Moderator VU Donator Platinum Contributor Member For 1 Year

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    Is he medicated for ADHD? If not, or if he is improperly medicated, the nicotine may be calling him, helping him focus. That is exactly why I still vape - nic is my ADD med.

    It sounds to me like a therapist would help him more than anything, once his meds are stabilized. The bullying at school is tough, feeling out of place is tough, being hormonal is tough. He's in a bad time right now - some part of his life needs to be peaceful and safe for him, and it sounds like he's not feeling that. He needs to learn some coping skills, and a good therapist can teach him. Just being adopted comes with a load of baggage that is complex and more upsetting than he will ever let on, unless he feels completely accepted somewhere.

    The best thing his family can do for him is to persuade him that what they are asking him to do (or not do) is in his own best interests, and being directed at him by a concern for his happiness and well-being. You all can punish and fuss until the cows come home and he will just continue to withdraw. I'm sure he feels grown up inside, but he isn't, and the decisions he is making are too adult for him. It isn't PERSONAL, though, nothing "wrong" or "defective" with him. No fourteen year old has the capacity to make adult decisions.

    The adult he is closest to should make time to spend with him (with him ONLY) for as long as it takes for him to feel acceptance and cooperation.

    Thinking back I know that all the rebellion that was in me at that age was anger-based. I felt like no one had time or energy for me, no one understood me, in fact I think I could go so far as to say that I felt that it didn't matter WHAT I did. It's a bad place to be, mentally and emotionally.
     
  8. DaBunny

    DaBunny Bronze Contributor

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    well if your taking it away he will be resentful..
    I am saying enrolling into CLASSES
    or CLUBS
    like that robot wars
    or code

    my little buddys boy is into that BIG TIME...
    Thay have nice mentors..

    and if he is STILL being a pain in the ass

    then service dog training..
    just like in prisons..
    you are 24/7 with a dog.. have to get certified
    and how can ya get into that much trouble with a dog attached to your hip.
    and if you CHIP da dog the you know where HE IS at ALL TIMES...
     
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  9. Vape Fan

    Vape Fan More like I am now, than I was before VU Donator Gold Contributor Member For 2 Years

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    Where is getting the vape stuff?
     
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  10. DaBunny

    DaBunny Bronze Contributor

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    bet ems been swipping it from gypsy and dats why shes flustrated
     
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  11. jwill

    jwill The Great King of Nothing VU Vendor VU Donator Platinum Contributor Member For 1 Year VU Challenge Team VU SWAT Reddit Exile

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    I come from a different world. When my dad caught me doing something, I caught a beating. The severity depending on the mood of the day and what I was caught doing. While it never actually deterred me from doing anything, it did make me tough and sometimes it was bad enough that I was too tired to do anything else.

    A 14 year old boy needs something to do. A sport, a bicycle something to make him tired and unable to do things that get him in trouble. Friends wouldn't hurt but social activities, in general are positive assuming he isn't hanging out with other kids heading towards jail.

    No matter what, it will be another 10-11 years before he can be trusted again anyways as he is heading into that time in life that he is not really in control of himself.

    Keep him busy and call him out on everything. No middle ground.
     
  12. jwill

    jwill The Great King of Nothing VU Vendor VU Donator Platinum Contributor Member For 1 Year VU Challenge Team VU SWAT Reddit Exile

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  13. wildgypsy70

    wildgypsy70 My son calls me "vape mom" Staff Member Senior Moderator VU Donator Gold Contributor Member For 3 Years VU Challenge Team

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    He’s not.....yet. I’m thinking my office will be getting a brand new lock this weekend.
     
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  14. Jinx'd

    Jinx'd Platinum Contributor Member For 1 Year

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    when i was 14, freshman year. i didn't give a crap about anything, but having a good time. and getting the things that got me a good time.

    1 thing i wish that would have happened to me =someone got me into weight lifting. thiss builds self esteem and deters people from being bullies.
     
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  15. Mykreign

    Mykreign Platinum Contributor Member For 3 Years

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    Every single word you said describes my step son. He's 14 as well, i'm sure he has ADHD or is Bipolar.

    He took one of my pods to school, got caught and got suspended for 2 days. Lucky for him, it was empty and dead or else he would have been expelled for good.

    We ended up grounding him to his room for 4 days and taking his electronics/tv. We did give him books to read.
     
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  16. Jinx'd

    Jinx'd Platinum Contributor Member For 1 Year

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    could i hold on to your spare key ? :teehee:
     
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  17. Mykreign

    Mykreign Platinum Contributor Member For 3 Years

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    I would have been beaten and told to stay in my room for a long time. I feel you on the "nothing seems to work" aspect. We took my 14 year olds xbox away for 5 months because he would get so angry, smash things and treat the whole family like crap because he died in his game. Gave it back and he's right back at it. Been yelling at him for 3 years now over this stupid xbox. They are a lot of other things as well but that's just one example. I'm starting to realize a 14 year old is going to do whatever he wants, no matter the consequences.

    Does he need medication/counseling? Yeah probably but I can't afford $80 every two weeks for him to see a psychiatrist.

    Sorry i'm ranting now, but this is my life. Every. Single. Day.
     
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  18. wildgypsy70

    wildgypsy70 My son calls me "vape mom" Staff Member Senior Moderator VU Donator Gold Contributor Member For 3 Years VU Challenge Team

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    He is medicated and does go to therapy.

    I definitely understand the teenage hormone thing. We were all there, rebellious and angry and doing anything our parents didn’t want us to do. I’m just afraid, with this kid, that he’s gonna end up in jail. He’s stolen money from pretty much every member of the family. He’s lied about anything and everything. He gets caught every time and still doesn’t get the fact that he’ll get caught. Every time. His first instinct is to lie. He’s failing two classes and barely passing 3 others. He does wrestling and tennis, but until his grades improve, he can’t do those.....but he did lie yesterday about going to tutoring...went to wrestling instead. And lied about it.

    Mr. Gypsy spends lots of time alone with him, going fishing mostly. That’s his true love, besides screens.

    Punishment doesn’t work with him. At all. It just makes him miserable for the duration.....then back at it.

    I am frustrated and tired.....
     
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  19. wildgypsy70

    wildgypsy70 My son calls me "vape mom" Staff Member Senior Moderator VU Donator Gold Contributor Member For 3 Years VU Challenge Team

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    I feel you. This has been going on for 3 years or so now. Def since I started dating his dad.
     
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  20. wildgypsy70

    wildgypsy70 My son calls me "vape mom" Staff Member Senior Moderator VU Donator Gold Contributor Member For 3 Years VU Challenge Team

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    :giggle::devil:
     
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  21. wildgypsy70

    wildgypsy70 My son calls me "vape mom" Staff Member Senior Moderator VU Donator Gold Contributor Member For 3 Years VU Challenge Team

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    That definitely sounds like he needs meds of some sort.

    I’m sorry. That sucks. You can rant with me any time.
     
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  22. Mykreign

    Mykreign Platinum Contributor Member For 3 Years

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    I'm 99% sure he needs meds. His real Dad is the same way when it comes to anger. I tried counseling a year or so ago but just couldnt keep up with the payments.

    I wish I had some advice or encouragement for you. I wish I had some for myself. For now, I just drink if it gets really bad.
     
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  23. ~Don~

    ~Don~ Platinum Contributor Member For 3 Years

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    Love sometimes needs to be a hammer more often than not.
     
  24. vuJim

    vuJim Gold Contributor Member For 4 Years ECF Refugee Reddit Exile

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    He's been diagnosed, and is being medicated for, ADHD, but he enjoys... fishing?!?! Quite possibly the most boring past time in the world, short of watching golf?

    I'm no medical professional, but these two facts seem at odds with one another. I'm led to wonder if he really suffers from ADHD or he's simply bored to death

    I'm reasonably certain that, had such diagnoses been popular at the time I was in grade school, I might well have been diagnosed with ADHD when, in fact, what it was was I was under-challenged and bored out of my skull.

    What are "screens?"

    Worked on me... more or less. Then again: Back then punishment often involved a degree of pain. I was, and remain, very pain-averse ;)
     
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  25. wildgypsy70

    wildgypsy70 My son calls me "vape mom" Staff Member Senior Moderator VU Donator Gold Contributor Member For 3 Years VU Challenge Team

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    Screens.....like computer screens. Phone, iPad, etc.....

    I know it seems contradictory but it’s true! He loves fishing. The water soothes him. Calms his mind. I find it as boring as watching paint dry, but he loves it. Has since he was a little sprout.

    he was tested for ADHD when he was 6. Tested off the charts on some things. He definitely has some sort of learning challenge. They even tested him recently.....same result.
     
  26. vuJim

    vuJim Gold Contributor Member For 4 Years ECF Refugee Reddit Exile

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    Yeah, I had a "learning challenge," too. Turned out that "challenge" was I was bored to death. Once I got out of the public "education" system, which is geared toward bringing everybody down to the greatest common denominator, I excelled at every last thing I approached. In fact: In more cases than not I ended-up tutoring other students.

    I nearly failed high school more than once.

    You know better than I. You're there. But I'm suspicious of this diagnosis. And if they're wrong: The drugs and therapy are making things worse, not better, and may damage him for life.
     
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  27. SpectoVia

    SpectoVia VU Donator Silver Contributor Member For 2 Years VU SWAT

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    Offered without commentary.....
    98C2E7FD-15DF-41AD-83DA-A3EA4D38A5A3.jpeg
     
  28. jwill

    jwill The Great King of Nothing VU Vendor VU Donator Platinum Contributor Member For 1 Year VU Challenge Team VU SWAT Reddit Exile

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    I think technology in general is mostly bad for children. While I love and appreciate technology, I am strongly of the opinion that children that get sucked into that vortex disconnect from nature and never really learn the human need to be in it. Maybe subconsciously, fishing gets high marks not necessarily because he is fishing but because he is outside in the sun, and in what he perceives as nature.

    It gets overlooked a great deal in a society that wants everyone hiding in bumper rooms behind lock and key and pilled to the rim. People need to be outside, they need to be active. Young boys and men especially. The old adage "Idle hands are the devils playground" exists for a reason. He is raging inside and hasnt figured out how to channel himself and it comes out in the form of acting like a dumb ass.

    Duck walking is a good punishment and sometimes better than a beating because it hurts worse without raising a hand to him and the pain can last for days if done properly. I dont mean the Chuck Berry duck walk either. The one where you drop to a squat position, hands up and make laps. My baseball coach would make us do this if our gloves hit the dirt and we were not diving for a ball. A couple laps around the field and we had to be carried to the car. That boy needs to be worked, put into some kind of sport or find a hobby that wears him out. If your hubby likes to fish, maybe he likes to camp. Yall are in a good area for it and its cheap to test the theory. Have the hubby sleep on the ground with him a couple nights and see what the attitude looks like.


    IMO locking a boy in a room with the internet and TV is a way to develop a porn addict or a serial killer and Im not being humorous either. Its a matter of time when you have nothing else to do but find trouble on the internet with all of the narcissism and self promotion everywhere. That's a trap in and of itself.
     
  29. Artemis

    Artemis Gold Contributor Member For 5 Years

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    Having a son who was diagnosed ADHD at age 5 plus Asperger's symptoms, OCD and major depression I can fathom your dilemma. A structured schedule was needed for my son to graduate high school. I only wish he would have taken medication at the time. I would have bought him cigs/vaping if it would have helped. (I know that is not helpful). My son was bullied constantly because he was almost on the savant level. It never got easier. Find out what is triggering him. There is always a trigger at this age. My son ended up going to a private school paid by the local school district. He needed a small classroom and teachers who met his needs. In some public schools children with neuro-biological disorders slide though the cracks. They usually make the parents feel worthless. I fought back and started reading about the special education laws.
     
  30. Mykreign

    Mykreign Platinum Contributor Member For 3 Years

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    i looked into that as well. It costs just as much and sometimes more than college tuition.
     
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  31. wildgypsy70

    wildgypsy70 My son calls me "vape mom" Staff Member Senior Moderator VU Donator Gold Contributor Member For 3 Years VU Challenge Team

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    Y’all are great! Thanks for all the advice!!!
     
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  32. JuicyLucy

    JuicyLucy My name is Lucy and I am a squonkaholic VU Donator Diamond Contributor Member For 3 Years VU Challenge Team ECF Refugee

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    I found this to be true also, and once I figured that out, parenting teenagers became a lot easier

    Adults can only guide and persuade teenagers; it's almost impossible to "make" them do something they don't want without seriously escalating behavioral problems
     
  33. Anibird

    Anibird Platinum Contributor Member For 1 Year Reddit Exile

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    My nephew was adhd and his mother made excuses for him. He was failing everything and only wanted to play video games. Finally my brother convinced his mother that something had to be done so they sent him to boot camp to protect his younger sisters from his temper.
    When he came back he was a different boy. He'd lost a ton of weight, could actually exercise without losing his breath and talked to his parents with respect.
    I'm not saying that bootcamp is the answer here but you might want to look into it. Just in case.
     
  34. vuJim

    vuJim Gold Contributor Member For 4 Years ECF Refugee Reddit Exile

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    Just have to be careful with selection. Some of those boot camps have been found to be problematic.
     
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  35. Anibird

    Anibird Platinum Contributor Member For 1 Year Reddit Exile

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    Yeah my nephew went to one run by the local police department. They looked into a few before deciding on that place.
     
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  36. Vape Fan

    Vape Fan More like I am now, than I was before VU Donator Gold Contributor Member For 2 Years

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    Do the vapes have a screen?
    Maybe something he likes more than vape?, like an aquarium maybe.
     
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  37. Rhianne

    Rhianne Diamond Contributor ECF Refugee

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    Maybe you should limit his sugar intake, as well. And have a look at his diet. Stuff like artificial colors and flavors can trigger kids, imho. If he likes soda with sugar and caffeine, he may not like you messing with it, though. But still, maybe look into a dietary change for ADHD. Possibly organic or non GMO food?

    I hope this gets straightened out, Wild Gypsy. :hug::love:
     
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  38. wildgypsy70

    wildgypsy70 My son calls me "vape mom" Staff Member Senior Moderator VU Donator Gold Contributor Member For 3 Years VU Challenge Team

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    I 100% agree. I’ve done a ton of research and sugar/artificial anything isn’t good for children, much less kids with ADHD. I do my best on my end, but......
     
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  39. Rhianne

    Rhianne Diamond Contributor ECF Refugee

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    If the parents don’t know or believe it will help, forget it. But it really may help him to get off sugar, high carb intake, processed foods, etc.
    Kids’ bodies are sensitive to this stuff. They may look almost like adults, but they’re not.
    Plus the parents might not like shelling out for organic, low sugar etc foods.

    Boy, what a tough situation. Your hands are tied in a lot of ways.
    :hug::love:
     
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  40. wildgypsy70

    wildgypsy70 My son calls me "vape mom" Staff Member Senior Moderator VU Donator Gold Contributor Member For 3 Years VU Challenge Team

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    Sooooo many ways........

    :hug:
     
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  41. susieqz

    susieqz Silver Contributor Member For 1 Year

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    i'm afraid i can't be helpful, here.
    i started smoking when i was 14.
    nothing could be done about it.
    both parents smoked n i could never be convinced
    that if it was ok for them, it wasn't for me.

    vaping seems the least of your problems.
    lying n stealing is a bigger problem.
    you need to correct that before the law gets involved.

    there are private schools that can help, but that's super expensive.

    being grounded worked for me.
    an interesting side effect is i learned to love books
    i'm convinced that all that reading got me a scholarship.

    you have my best wishes.
    the boy does too.
     
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  42. kross8

    kross8 Silver Contributor Member For 3 Years

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    He probably craves the nicotine.. And I wouldn't rule out going carbohydrate free.. Carbs turn into sugars and can mess with your moods
     
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  43. Grandpa

    Grandpa Bronze Contributor Member For 3 Years

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    I honestly don't have any advice. I was in a man's world myself at 14. I did what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. It's not that I was unsupervised or that my parents had no control over me, it's that I took on a lot of responsibility and with that came the freedom to make a lot of my own decisions. I worked and I worked hard; school and school activities were secondary to my other interests. I took up a lot of activities that I wish I had never gotten into but I also learned a lot.

    You are not going to find out how this kid turns out for quite some time. Some learn how to swim and others sink right to the bottom.
     
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