Hello everyone! Yesterday i turned 18 and around 11.30 am I decided to drink little vodka to 'celebrate' my adulthood. I did not get very wasted but I eventually fell asleep with my e-mod next to me. The next thing I remember- my dad coming through the door. It was 2.30 am. He saw it and took it. When I told him to give it back to me ,dad said that i was not adequate and should go to bed.He also said that he was disappointed again (he have already caught me with my e-pen and I have promised him to stop smoking cigarertes beforehand. which is why i bought my first e cig and eventually liked it). Little backgound of my dad: very strict, gets angry very eaisly and likes to control everything that me and my mom do. She,on the other hand, is way more liberal and respects my descisions and treats me the way I am supposed to be treated at 17-18. She knows about my habit. Please tell me how to proceed at the moment. Thank you!
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My dad caught me with my e-cig mod on my 18th birthdy
The only thing I can tell you is that even though you are 18, you are still under your parents jurisdiction. Super Suckage, I know!!! My mom took my Laptop from me when I was 19... And sold it. I even paid her back for it when she bought it for me... pissed me off. I moved 2 weeks later. I had to hide things from my parents that normal kids wouldn't have to hide... like Yu-Gi-Oh cards and Harry Potter books. All i can say is either move when you can or find a really good hiding spot. 
Sorry for your troubles, I can relate big time.
Sorry for your troubles, I can relate big time.
I agree that, since you are living in your parents' house, you have to abide by the house rules set by your dad and mom. You'll have to move out if you want adult freedom.
I'm not saying you should move out or not, but if you don't like the rules or your dad's totalitarian ways, it's the only solution. If your dad still tries to rule your life after you move out, then you have bigger problems than you think you have right now and you will have to address that when the time comes.
Life is very harsh.
I'm not saying you should move out or not, but if you don't like the rules or your dad's totalitarian ways, it's the only solution. If your dad still tries to rule your life after you move out, then you have bigger problems than you think you have right now and you will have to address that when the time comes.
Life is very harsh.
Hard to say, it's only one side of the story. Some parents are more strict than others, everyone is different. If 18 and an 'adult' by status and not happy with the living conditions at home, time to move out and find a place of your own where you can enjoy your freedoms. As many say, 'their house, their rules'. There's no real way people 'should' be treated given a particular age unless of course they're equals. Hard with parents, just my opinion but parents should still be respected unless they're way out of line (abusive, criminal etc). Living under their roof isn't really 'equal', it's living as a kid but expecting to be treated as a peer.
In general it's good you gave up the cigs for vaping, it's healthier in comparison. Not really for me or anyone else to say what's right or wrong, my words are purely opinion. Sounds like your dad just wants to set rules to keep you on track, probably because they care. If they didn't they wouldn't say anything and just let you do whatever.
That's not how real life works though and even adults can't really do 'whatever' they want. If living in a community I can't just play my music as loud as I want at 3am, someone would complain, call the police and the police would arrive informing me I'm disturbing the peace and turn my music down. If I refused to follow the rules they'd punish me by writing me a ticket and potentially taking me to jail. Of course that depends on local region, legal issues and won't necessarily apply everywhere (not sure where you're from, different state, country than what I'm accustomed to).
Basic words of wisdom I can offer, so long as you're living there under the roof they provide, benefiting from their work/provisions, you're obligated to follow their rules. Adults get along when not telling each other what to eat, when to eat, how to clean, when to clean. They live in separate housing they provide for themselves and get to make their own decisions in that regard. Usually they meet up for brief visits or to share a meal at a restaurant and so on. Similar to smoking, some people allow it and others don't. I have family who doesn't smoke/vape/drink alcohol. I'm welcome to visit but I can't just chuck clouds in their living room. Their house, their rules and if I'm their guest I should respect them. Go outside to vape. At my house I can vape all I want. These type of 'rules' or courtesies still apply even though I'm nearing 40yrs old and family are in their 40's - 60's. It's not just something that applies to kids or young adults.
It's not even a matter of being treated like a 'kid' vs an 'adult'. It may seem like that right now but your dad's actions are actually treating you like an adult. Adults typically lend each other a certain amount of respect and disrespecting others can be seen as bad form. As an example, one adult invites another to eat dinner with them. Generally there is a time set and agreed to, maybe a pleasantry of the guest offering to contribute to the meal. Unless it's a close friend or family and a special relationship where you're welcome to stay as long as you want, it's bad form to stay too late into the evening. It's also bad form to invite half a dozen friends to join in and get drunk when the host didn't invite them. It's impolite and the host should be respected. For now your parents are the hosts. The real issue may be the eagerness to make a distinction between being a kid and looking forward to passing over to status of 'grown up'. It's normal but being an adult isn't all it's cracked up to be sometimes lol. As a kid I couldn't wait, now I look back and can't figure out my big rush. Best of luck to your situation.
In general it's good you gave up the cigs for vaping, it's healthier in comparison. Not really for me or anyone else to say what's right or wrong, my words are purely opinion. Sounds like your dad just wants to set rules to keep you on track, probably because they care. If they didn't they wouldn't say anything and just let you do whatever.
That's not how real life works though and even adults can't really do 'whatever' they want. If living in a community I can't just play my music as loud as I want at 3am, someone would complain, call the police and the police would arrive informing me I'm disturbing the peace and turn my music down. If I refused to follow the rules they'd punish me by writing me a ticket and potentially taking me to jail. Of course that depends on local region, legal issues and won't necessarily apply everywhere (not sure where you're from, different state, country than what I'm accustomed to).
Basic words of wisdom I can offer, so long as you're living there under the roof they provide, benefiting from their work/provisions, you're obligated to follow their rules. Adults get along when not telling each other what to eat, when to eat, how to clean, when to clean. They live in separate housing they provide for themselves and get to make their own decisions in that regard. Usually they meet up for brief visits or to share a meal at a restaurant and so on. Similar to smoking, some people allow it and others don't. I have family who doesn't smoke/vape/drink alcohol. I'm welcome to visit but I can't just chuck clouds in their living room. Their house, their rules and if I'm their guest I should respect them. Go outside to vape. At my house I can vape all I want. These type of 'rules' or courtesies still apply even though I'm nearing 40yrs old and family are in their 40's - 60's. It's not just something that applies to kids or young adults.
It's not even a matter of being treated like a 'kid' vs an 'adult'. It may seem like that right now but your dad's actions are actually treating you like an adult. Adults typically lend each other a certain amount of respect and disrespecting others can be seen as bad form. As an example, one adult invites another to eat dinner with them. Generally there is a time set and agreed to, maybe a pleasantry of the guest offering to contribute to the meal. Unless it's a close friend or family and a special relationship where you're welcome to stay as long as you want, it's bad form to stay too late into the evening. It's also bad form to invite half a dozen friends to join in and get drunk when the host didn't invite them. It's impolite and the host should be respected. For now your parents are the hosts. The real issue may be the eagerness to make a distinction between being a kid and looking forward to passing over to status of 'grown up'. It's normal but being an adult isn't all it's cracked up to be sometimes lol. As a kid I couldn't wait, now I look back and can't figure out my big rush. Best of luck to your situation.
Thank you very much for taking the time to answer so throughoutly i really appreciate it!
I just spoke to my mom and she said that my dad is thinking that this is a device used to snort things lol?! He thinks that it is a birthay present from a friend. I know that he really cares and i know that he is terrified of me doing any drugs. Maybe i can tell him that it is an e cig that was a gift indeed. That I had stopped smoking but eventually decided to switch to a helthier alternative and started using my pen. Then i have told my friends that I want a better device so they collected money for my present. that way no individual friend is going to be blamed.
I would tell him to give it back to me because i will not stop smoking for his taking my birthday present unless I want to do it myself. Perhaps this is a good story that i could tell him when we speak
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I'm going to take a slightly different opinion on this as I have a son your age.
At 18 years old you chose to drink at 11:30 in the morning. You state you didn't get that wasted but that implies you did get drunk. Drunk enough that you went to bed and the next thing you knew it was 2:30 in the morning.
From a fathers point of view I disagree with this as adult behavior. Adults typically can't start drinking at 11:30 in the morning and go to bed when that have had enough. Perhaps Your father wants you to have more responsibility. If it's Your day off from school or work maybe he would have appreciated help with something around the house or maybe he doesn't like you drinking in the house. We don't know what he wants as he is not here to defend himself.
Your father has caught you previously with a vape in the house and didn't like it. You say you accidentally left your new one out in the open and that he is disappointed. You feel he doesn't show you the respect your age requires. Bear in mind you bringing a new vape into the house was disrespectful to him. You know he doesn't like it and you did it anyway.
Lastly you say it is a "good story" to tell him it was a gift and he needs to return it to you.
No, that is not a good idea.
Don't tell him a "good story".
Show him respect that you want shown to you. If you want to be treated as an adult you first have to act like one. Have an honest discussion with him and ask for it back.
Your dad is strict. Believe it or not that is a good thing. He is teaching you that life has rules. And before you move out on your own you need to know this. Life does have rules. Employers have rules. Government has rules. Society has rules. It is up to you to learn how to live with that.
Being 18 does not grant you adult treatment. You need to behave as an adult to be treated as one.
On my part I am not trying to make any assumptions on your character. I'm sure you're a great person, but all my points are based off what you choose to share with us in this forum and I am letting you know there are counterpoints to everything you listed.
At 18 years old you chose to drink at 11:30 in the morning. You state you didn't get that wasted but that implies you did get drunk. Drunk enough that you went to bed and the next thing you knew it was 2:30 in the morning.
From a fathers point of view I disagree with this as adult behavior. Adults typically can't start drinking at 11:30 in the morning and go to bed when that have had enough. Perhaps Your father wants you to have more responsibility. If it's Your day off from school or work maybe he would have appreciated help with something around the house or maybe he doesn't like you drinking in the house. We don't know what he wants as he is not here to defend himself.
Your father has caught you previously with a vape in the house and didn't like it. You say you accidentally left your new one out in the open and that he is disappointed. You feel he doesn't show you the respect your age requires. Bear in mind you bringing a new vape into the house was disrespectful to him. You know he doesn't like it and you did it anyway.
Lastly you say it is a "good story" to tell him it was a gift and he needs to return it to you.
No, that is not a good idea.
Don't tell him a "good story".
Show him respect that you want shown to you. If you want to be treated as an adult you first have to act like one. Have an honest discussion with him and ask for it back.
Your dad is strict. Believe it or not that is a good thing. He is teaching you that life has rules. And before you move out on your own you need to know this. Life does have rules. Employers have rules. Government has rules. Society has rules. It is up to you to learn how to live with that.
Being 18 does not grant you adult treatment. You need to behave as an adult to be treated as one.
On my part I am not trying to make any assumptions on your character. I'm sure you're a great person, but all my points are based off what you choose to share with us in this forum and I am letting you know there are counterpoints to everything you listed.
AndriaD
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Move out?
That was the only way I could deal with my own control-freak parents.
Andria
This^^^^^
When you pay the Lease/Rent/Mortgage/ insurance/car payment (paid to Mom/Dad not counted).... You, Make the rules.. Till then, Suck it Up Buttercup.
I'm not going to try to tell you how to deal with your Dad. He is, after all, your Dad - not mine. But if you are living there with no form of lease contract in place you have to take what gets dished out for the convenience of living there. Up to a few hours prior to this incident you were still a minor, which means living with the lack of rights accordingly. The earth didn't move for your Dad the second you turned 18 either. After all, he could kick you out of the house in a split second now if you have reached the age of majority. If you can't reach a reasonable compromise over things like this that are important to you then the option is to accept the insanity or move out. 18 or not if you don't own the house you don't get to set the rules.
Welcome to adulthood.
Welcome to adulthood.
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AndriaD
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Yep. And being an adult is hard sometimes, paying all the bills, doing all the other shit you don't wanna do. That's called life. But, I have to say, it ALL beats the shit out of being at the mercy of control-freaks. People always say they'd wanna go back and do it all over again... NOT ME!!!!!!!!! My parents made my life hell, until I got the hell out of their house. Then my life was occasionally hell for other reasons, but at least it was hell I more or less chose, rather than having it inflicted on me.
Then one day... your parents die. And you realize that for all their fucking weirdness... you love them, and your time with them has run out.
Andria
Then one day... your parents die. And you realize that for all their fucking weirdness... you love them, and your time with them has run out.
Andria
Just a little bit of financial advice as far as moving out of the house. If you are not making minimum 4 times what rent for an apartment would be, don't bother until you increase your income. If you live in the USA or anyplace similar, a lot of places won't rent to you until you can prove you make at least 3 times rent anyway unless you find some small landlord that doesn't do employment and background checks.
The last thing you want to do is move out prematurely and be in a predicament where you need to move back home. This might happen at any time, but you have to try to minimize that by saving up money and increasing your income while you are still living with you parents. Don't waste your time partying all the time. Life's short, but it's also pretty rough out there. If you think you're dad's hard to deal with, just wait.
The last thing you want to do is move out prematurely and be in a predicament where you need to move back home. This might happen at any time, but you have to try to minimize that by saving up money and increasing your income while you are still living with you parents. Don't waste your time partying all the time. Life's short, but it's also pretty rough out there. If you think you're dad's hard to deal with, just wait.
AndriaD
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Also... from what has been described about the dad, I don't see this as a "kid vs. grownup" kind of problem; it sounds like he's just as big a bully to your mom as he is to you; if he tries to control what she does, and she goes along with it, then she's a willing victim. As a young person who may lack the means to support your own residence, you may not be willing, but you're still a victim.
The most bully-like behavior is him taking it away from you, rather than merely expressing his opinion (even expressing it loudly) -- when my son was 12, I took away from him a Limp Bizkit CD, because of the rude, crude, highly offensive language -- not that I don't sometimes use that language myself, I'm not just ok with allowing a 12 yr old to consider that entertainment and inflict it on ME, nevermind himself! He was 12 yrs old. I wouldn't have taken it if he'd been 18, though I damn sure would have told him to ONLY listen to it via earphones, if he absolutely insisted on listening to it.
Unfortunately, what everyone has said is true: if you live in his house, then you have to *at the very least* not do anything to provoke his bullying in a way that he knows about it -- what you do when you're out and about, that's up to you, but under his roof, you have to be circumspect; it's not really a matter of respect, because bullies don't deserve respect: it's purely self-protection.
I might suggest having your mom talk to him about harm reduction, and how vaping is much better than smoking, and also not hazardous to bystanders... but it sounds like she might earn herself a wallop if she tried.
Andria
The most bully-like behavior is him taking it away from you, rather than merely expressing his opinion (even expressing it loudly) -- when my son was 12, I took away from him a Limp Bizkit CD, because of the rude, crude, highly offensive language -- not that I don't sometimes use that language myself, I'm not just ok with allowing a 12 yr old to consider that entertainment and inflict it on ME, nevermind himself! He was 12 yrs old. I wouldn't have taken it if he'd been 18, though I damn sure would have told him to ONLY listen to it via earphones, if he absolutely insisted on listening to it.
Unfortunately, what everyone has said is true: if you live in his house, then you have to *at the very least* not do anything to provoke his bullying in a way that he knows about it -- what you do when you're out and about, that's up to you, but under his roof, you have to be circumspect; it's not really a matter of respect, because bullies don't deserve respect: it's purely self-protection.
I might suggest having your mom talk to him about harm reduction, and how vaping is much better than smoking, and also not hazardous to bystanders... but it sounds like she might earn herself a wallop if she tried.
Andria
I think it's a far cry to go to the father is a bully based off the OP stating he is controlling.
Name one 18 year old boy who doesn't think their father isn't controlling.
Taking away a mod is not an act of bullying. It's an example of how actions have consequences. The OP knew his father didn't like vaping to begin with and brought one into the house. It got taken away. That's not bullying. That's having something that was not allowed in the home in the first place removed from the home.
Name one 18 year old boy who doesn't think their father isn't controlling.
Taking away a mod is not an act of bullying. It's an example of how actions have consequences. The OP knew his father didn't like vaping to begin with and brought one into the house. It got taken away. That's not bullying. That's having something that was not allowed in the home in the first place removed from the home.
AndriaD
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I disagree. As a for instance -- I don't drink, and for many years after I got sober, I didn't want any drinking around me. If someone had brought alcohol into my home, I would not have snatched it away and poured it down the sink -- I'd simply have asked them to remove it; if that meant removing their person because they were too attached to the drink to do without it, oh well.
Taking something that doesn't belong to you is NEVER ok. If the child is a minor, and the object removed is actually dangerous or extremely distasteful (like that CD!), that's a parent's prerogative -- but an 18 yr old is not a minor, and though I'd agree completely that it's his house, and his rules, that doesn't give him the right to take something from another person.
Most parents really don't get that in order to RECEIVE respect, they first have to teach it to their children, by showing it to them -- otherwise the kid won't even know what it means. This looks like a classic case of that -- of course this 18 yr shows no respect to his father, because it's very clear that the father has never shown him an iota of respect as a human being, in order to teach him what respect means.
Andria
I completely agree that respect is a 2 way street and I believe I stayed as much in my first reply.
But is it really bullying if you choose to bring an item into the home when you know your parent does not allow it?
I personally do not think so.
The issue I am having is this is turning into the father is a bully and the son/ mother are both victims. I am proposing we do not have enough information based off of the OP to make that large of a leap in conclusion.
Get a Job, Move out, nobody can tell you what to do.
I don't see the problem being resolved with the thought process. Again just my personal opinion but the routes to solutions all seem to revolve around deceit. Lying, hiding, telling stories. More than the actual situation this seems like a deeper issue if that's the immediate course of action. As an example in the adult world, if confronted with a boss whose decisions you don't agree with or don't like the fix isn't to ask someone else, try to go around them and circumvent them, hide things from them.
"We don't allow vaping on the job" - (Then I just need to hide it better) isn't a good option. Chances are eventually you'll be caught and will only compound what follows (potentially getting fired).
"We don't allow drinking during business hours" (Maybe a scenario even more appropriate to a bartender) - Oh well I'll just have a nip when no one is looking or I'll duck down behind the bar and have a swill. Not a good choice.
The methods that seem to stand out to me in order to fix the issues just seem like setting up for failure. Relying on these methods in general could end up becoming a poor learned behavior and set up a pattern for how future conflicts are dealt with.
"We don't allow vaping on the job" - (Then I just need to hide it better) isn't a good option. Chances are eventually you'll be caught and will only compound what follows (potentially getting fired).
"We don't allow drinking during business hours" (Maybe a scenario even more appropriate to a bartender) - Oh well I'll just have a nip when no one is looking or I'll duck down behind the bar and have a swill. Not a good choice.
The methods that seem to stand out to me in order to fix the issues just seem like setting up for failure. Relying on these methods in general could end up becoming a poor learned behavior and set up a pattern for how future conflicts are dealt with.
Saying no is not bullying. Niether is enforcing that stated NO....
Bullying is enforcement prior to the request or comand. Not after..
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Bullying is enforcement prior to the request or comand. Not after..
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In the old days it would have been...
You do wrong at the neighbors house they would whip you followed by Dad when he got home.. followed by you going to neighbors to apologize. ..
Today we sue the neighbors and the kid become ANTIFA.
Then you still have to deal with MOM.
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Just one question to the OP, did you try to sit down with your dad and really explain to him what E-cigs are all about, that they are used to help stop smoking cigarettes and they are better for you than smoking? Because maybe if he knew more about them, and the fact you wanted to do that, maybe he would be less negative about it.