WINNERS ANNOUNCED: The First Annual WISE-ASS Contest

[vaperature]

Okay, the-the-the-that's all folks. The Wise-Ass Contest is now closed (well, you can still post a joke but it just won't count as a contest entry).

Okay, my fellow Wise-Asses.

1st Place Winner: @LouPop13

2nd Place Winner: @ghost62

3rd Place Winner: @Zamazam

Winners, private message me your mailing information and congratulations!!

________________________________________________________________________


Vaporacle Press and SlowFoot Vapes present
the First Annual Wise-Ass Contest.

Wise-Ass Sponsored Threads:

http://vapingunderground.com/threads/vape-mania-one-giant-steep-for-mankind.36601/

http://vapingunderground.com/threads/30ml-for-16-99.42286/

**********​

First Place Wise-Ass
wins the complete set of Vaporacle parodies, including:​

Vape Mania: A Newbie’s Guide to the Evils of the Electronic Cigarette

http://www.amazon.com/Vape-Mania-Newbies-Electronic-Cigarette/dp/0615961274

Vape Mania 2: Angel of Vape

http://www.amazon.com/Angel-Vape-Mania-2/dp/0692325921

as well as a copy of Amazon's #2,274,830 Bestselling book,
Point Nemo

And that’s not all.
First Place Wise-Ass also wins a
30ml bottle of premium Sweet Lucy e-juice from SlowFoot Vapes

http://www.slowfootvapes.com/

**********

Second Place Wise-Ass
wins a copy of Vape Mania
and
a 30ml bottle of Sweet Lucy from SlowFoot Vapes.


**********

Third Place Wise-Ass
wins a set of steak knives

**********​

THE WISE-ASS RULES​

1. To enter the Wise-Ass Contest, tell a joke in the comment field below. Each comment that contains a joke will receive one entry into the contest. I don’t think we need to explain to you what a joke is. A man walks into a bar yadda yadda yadda . . . knock knock who’s there yadda yadda yadda . . . you know, a joke.

2. Jokes that receive seven or more likes will be recorded as two entries into the contest, so the funnier the joke, the better. It’s all fun and games, so please like the jokes that you think are the funniest.

3. Feel free to comment on the jokes and disrupt the thread with the usual VU wise-ass banter, but only comments that include an actual joke will be recorded as an entry into the contest.

4. Duplicate jokes will be disqualified, so if your corny joke has dust on it, you might want to read over the jokes already submitted to make sure it hasn't already been told before entering it.

5. There must be at least two jokes entered after yours before you can tell another joke; other than that, tell as many jokes as you want. As long as your jokes are separated by two other jokes, you may enter the contest as many times as you like. Each of your jokes will be recorded as an entry and there is no limit to how many entries you may have.

6. Only tell one joke per comment. If your comment contains more than one joke, it will only be counted as one entry into the contest, so to increase your odds of winning, enter your jokes in separate comments with at least two jokes between them.

**********
Don't want to wait? Don't think you're lucky enough to win?
Take advantage of one of these offers then.​

**Purchase a copy of Vape Mania through PayPal from Vaporacle.com and write "joke" in the comment field before checking out and receive Angel of Vape for free.

**Order Sweet Lucy from http://www.slowfootvapes.com/

**********​

DEADLINE UPDATED
Contest ends at 11:59 PM Central Time on National Blame Someone Else Day, Friday the 13th of February, 2015. On Valentine's Day, 12-NOON ON FEBRUARY 10TH at which time all qualifying entries will be tallied, their comment numbers will be recorded, and the three lucky winners will be chosen at random. Good luck . . .

LET THE WISE-ASSERY BEGIN!!!​

 

[Midniteoyl]

Oooooo... I want the Steak Knives...

 

[LouPop13]

Great contest... awesome prizes!!!

Looks like I'll go first.....
(thanks for changing it to only 2 jokes in between!)


A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.' Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see, 'laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?'
.
.
.
.

 

[OB61887]

A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young city slicker drove up.

"Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?"

"Son, you don't get milk from milkweed!" the farmer replied.

"Oh yes," said the city slicker, "I have a degree in Agriculture from Texas A&M, I know all about it."

"Well, help yourself," said the farmer with a chuckle. But to his surprise, he soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.
The city slicker then asked "Sir, when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle in the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"

Now somewhat curious, the farmer figured what was the harm. "You're welcome to it." Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey. He then asked "Sir, when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussywillow down by the creek."

Without a second thought the farmer yelled "I'll get my hat!".

 

[ghost62]

Three sorority girls were driving along a winding mountain road when their car went over the edge.
Next thing they knew, they were standing at the Pearly Gates. An older gentleman with flowing white robes greeted them. 'My name is Saint Peter, ladies. Welcome to Heaven.
Before you can enter, I need to get you fitted for your wings, so please disrobe and come up one at a time.'
The first co-ed takes of her clothes and approaches Saint Peter. While measuring her, he glances down and then looks away embarrassed.
'Miss,' he stammers, 'I hate to mention this, but you have a big O shape in the center of your chest.'
She giggled, blushing, 'My boyfriend was a letterman at Ohio State and every time we made love, he had to wear his school sweater. It's kind of a rule.'
'Oh. Okay,' he replied and attached her wings.
The next girl came up and he noticed a big I shape between her breasts. Looking away, 'Um, miss... there's a big I on your chest.'
Modestly, she covered up, 'My boyfriend was a letterman at Indiana and every time we-'
'No need to explain further,' he interrupted. 'I understand completely.' and off she flew into Heaven.
The third girl comes forward and Saint Peter grinned, 'Don't tell me- your boyfriend went to Michigan, right?'
'No,' she replied. 'Wisconsin. Why do you ask?'

 

[doughdreads]

So a man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a rum and coke. The bartender gives him a nod and reaches under the bar and tosses him an apple.
"What's this??", the man asked, "I wanted a rum and coke!"
"Take a bite", the bartender replied.

So the man takes a bite of the apple and is amazed.
"This tastes just like coke! But what about the rum??"

"Turn it to the other side.", the bartender replied.

So the man turns the apple to the other side and takes another bite.
"RUM!" the man exclaimed and happily sat and ate his apple.

Another man walks in and sees the first man eating this apple and is curious.
"Why are you eating an apple at a bar??"

The first man replies, "Ask the bartender for a drink and he'll give you an apple that tastes just like it!"

So the second man asks for a gin and tonic.

The bartender reaches under the bar and hands the second man an apple.

The second man takes a bite and says, "Wow! It tastes just like tonic! But where's the gin??"
The first man says to the second, "Turn it to the other side!"

The second man turns it to the other side to find that it tastes like gin and happily eats his apple with the first man.

A third man walks in and sees these two guys eating apples at the bar and asks, "What's with the apples??"

The second man says "The bartender has apples that taste like anything you want!!"

The third man asks the bartender if this is true and he replies, "Yes."

With a smug look on his face he asks, "Do you have an apple that tastes like pussy??"

The bartender looks at him, nods, and hands him an apple.

The third man looks at the apple, curiously smells it, and then takes a bite.
He immediately spits it out everywhere and yells, "It tastes like shit!"
The bartender and the other men at the bar reply, "TURN IT AROUND!"

 

[ghost62]

Three sorority girls were driving along a winding mountain road when their car went over the edge.
Next thing they knew, they were standing at the Pearly Gates. An older gentleman with flowing white robes greeted them. 'My name is Saint Peter, ladies. Welcome to Heaven.
Before you can enter, I need to get you fitted for your wings, so please disrobe and come up one at a time.'
The first co-ed takes of her clothes and approaches Saint Peter. While measuring her, he glances down and then looks away embarrassed.
'Miss,' he stammers, 'I hate to mention this, but you have a big O shape in the center of your chest.'
She giggled, blushing, 'My boyfriend was a letterman at Ohio State and everything me made love, he had to wear his school sweater. It's kind of a rule.'
'Oh. Okay,' he replied and attached her wings.
The next girl came up and he noticed a big I shape between her breasts. Looking away, 'Um, miss... there's a big I on your chest.'
Modestly, she covered up, 'My boyfriend was a letterman at Indiana and every time we-'
'No need to explain further,' he interrupted. 'i understand completely.' and off she flew into Heaven.
The third girl comes forward and Saint Peter grinned, 'Dint tell me- your boyfriend went to Michigan, right?'
'No,' she replied. 'Wisconsin. Why do you ask?'

No lie- I once had to draw a picture to explain this joke...

 

[LouPop13]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..."

He sighed........
.
.
.
.
.

"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."
.
.
.

 

[ghost62]

Three dwarves were wandering around while visiting London and found themselves standing in front of the main offices of Guinness World Records.
'Wow! I've always wanted to see this place!' the first one exclaimed.
'Well,' the second one chimed in, 'let's do it!
A uniformed man at the door stopped them and said that tours are $20 each.
'But we can't afford that,' said the third.
'Are any of you record holders?' the guard asked. 'Because of you're in the book, you get in free.'
'No,' they answered, disappointed.
Walking away, the first one turned to his friends, 'Ya know, being a dwarf, I have small hands. VERY small hands... I wonder...'
Returning to the front door, he asked to have his hands measured and the guard took him inside.
An hour later, he came out beaming. 'It's official! I have the smallest hands of any adult make in the world! And yes, this place is incredible inside!'
Excitedly, the second little man looks down at his feet. 'What do you think, guys?'
'It's worth a shot,' they replied.
An hour later, the second man emerges. 'I'm in the book! And the sights I saw! Amazing!'
The third dwarf studied both his hands and feet and sighed. 'My hands are bigger than yours and my feet are big for such a small little guy like myself... Oh well.'
Halfway down the block, inspiration struck and the third man pulled out the front of his pants and looked down. 'I don't know, guys, what do you think?'
Albeit embarrassing, they all agreed that he had a shot so he went inside.
Five minutes later, he came out looking dejected.
'So how did it go?' asked his friends.
'I didn't get the record for smallest penis but I feel really bad for that guy named Joe Petner...'

Edit
Had to tag @VaporJoes

 

[UncleRJ]

A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi and a Baptist minister walk into a bar.

One of them looks at the others and say's...

"Did you hear this joke about us?"

Rimshot please

 

[Zamazam]

How do you make a German chocolate cake?
First, you occupy der kitchen.

Do you know why Germans build such high-quality products?
So they won't have to go around being nice while they fix them.

Germans make fast automobiles because anything that *doesn't*
move fast enough in Germany is in danger of getting ground up
into sausage.

After much discussion as to where the capital of the new Germany
should be Bonn or Berlin -- a compromise was struck: Paris.

What's the difference between an English, a French
and a German pensioner?
The English one takes a Whisky and goes fishing.
The French one takes a glass of wine and goes playing Boule.
The Germany one takes his cardiac drug and goes to work.

 

[ghost62]

Did you hear the one about the sub-ohm vaper that dreamed about opening his own brick and mortar?

He had his head in the clouds.

 

[Zamazam]

Did you hear the one about the sub-ohm vaper that dreamed about opening his own brick and mortar?

He had his head in the clouds.

Very Good!

 

[Zamazam]

Q: What do Ego Vapers, APV Vapers, and Cloud Chasing Vapers have in common?

A: Both the FDA and Big Tobacco are waiting for them in the bedroom and neither has any KY Jelly.

 

[LouPop13]

Alien Sex

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.

"Pretty much the way you do,"responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
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.

 

[vaperature]

Remember, make sure to wait until two more jokes are posted before posting another joke, and jokes with 7 or more "likes" qualify for double entries.

 

[Zamazam]

A long one:

Stranded On An Island

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

a.. two Italian men and one Italian woman
b.. two French men and one French woman
c.. two German men and one German woman
d.. two Greek men and one Greek woman
e.. two English men and one English woman
f.. two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
g.. two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
h.. two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
i.. two American men and one American woman
j.. two Irish men and one Irish woman

One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle
of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

a.. One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

b.. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in
a menage-a-trois.

c.. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits
with the German woman.

d.. The two Greek men are playing cards and Backgammon and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.

e.. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman.

f.. The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and
another long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.

g.. The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

h.. The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor
store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to
supply employees for their store.

i.. The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, because
the American woman keeps on complaining about her body, the true nature of
feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of
fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees
make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated
her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her mother is improving,
and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

j.. The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a
distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets
sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey. But they're
satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

 

[ghost62]

Personally, I think we should get double entries for original vaping jokes...

 

[Shawn.freeman50]

What do you call a blond standing up side down? A brunette with smelly breath

 

[vaperature]

Personally, I think we should get double entries for original vaping jokes...

How many vapers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I don't know. I it would help if you told us the ohms and how many watts you are using.

(You mean like that?)

 

[Huckleberried]

A salesman makes a phone call. *ring ring, ring ring*
A young, small voices answers. "Hello?"
Salesman - "Hello, young man. May I please speak with one of your parents?"
Little boy, in a small, quiet voice replies, "No, they're busy."
Salesman. "Well, how about an older brother or sister? Can they come to the phone?"
Little boy. "No, they're busy."
Salesman. "Well is there another adult in the house?"
Little boy. "Yeah, a policeman."
Salesman. "Policeman? Oh no! Can I talk with the policeman?"
Little boy. "No, he's busy."
Salesman. "Who's there?"
Little boy. "Fireman."
Salesman. "Fireman?! Is everyone alright? Can I please speak with him?"
Little boy. "No, he's busy, too."
Salesman. "What's going on there?!!"
Little boy. "They're all looking for me."

 

[galsvapetoo]

Three tomatoes are walking down the street - a pappa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato.

Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Pappa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and smooshes him... and says, "Catch up."
-from one of my favorite movies guess which one?

 

[Huckleberried]

Three tomatoes are walking down the street - a pappa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato.

Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Pappa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and smooshes him... and says, "Catch up."
-from one of my favorite movies guess which one?

Uma Thurman to John Travolta when describing the joke she told on the pilot TV show she did. From the movie Pulp Fiction!

 

[galsvapetoo]

Uma Thurman to John Travolta when describing the joke she told on the pilot TV show she did. From the movie Pulp Fiction!

Ding ding ding we have a winner! I love that movie I'm a nerd I know

 

[doughdreads]

Did you hear about that new midget comedian??

He's only a little funny.

 

[Shawn.freeman50]

What does a rooster and a hooker have in common. A rooster goes cockles do and a hooked goes any cock will do

 

[dantefire]

Two eggs boiling in a pan. The female eggs rolls over and says to the male egg, "Hey! Look! I've got a crack!" The male eggs rolls over and replies, "No good hon... I'm not hard yet."

 

[LouPop13]

How many vapers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I don't know. I it would help if you told us the ohms and how many watts you are using.

(You mean like that?)

Or this??

Q: How many vapers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 3 - one to recoil it, one to review it, and one to video the tutorial.
.
.
.

 

[LouPop13]

** Not an Entry **

What does a rooster and a hooker have in common. A rooster goes cockles do and a hooked goes any cock will do

The way I heard it is:

Q: What's the difference between a Rooster and a Prostitute?

A: A Rooster goes 'Cock-a-doodle-do' and a Prostitute says 'Any cock will do'....
.
.
.

 

[ghost62]

Or this??

Q: How many vapers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 3 - one to recoil it, one to review it, and one to video the tutorial.
.
.
.

I'm waiting for the Youtube video of an idiot recoiling a Christmas tree bulb trying to turn it into a searchlight...

 

[Zamazam]

Ding ding ding we have a winner! I love that movie I'm a nerd I know

If I say "NEET!, NEET!" would you know the movie?

 

[Zamazam]

Q. What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an elephant?
A. Great big holes all over Australia.

 

[Zamazam]

Q. How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator?
A. You open the door and put the elephant in and then close the door.

Q. How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?
A. You open the door and take out the elephant and put the giraffe in, then close the door.

***can't resist, every joke thread needs Elephants***

 

[ghost62]

If I say "NEET!, NEET!" would you know the movie?

What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

 

[vaperature]

What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

What do you mean? An African or European swallow?

 

[Zamazam]

What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.

(man, I am such a freaking geek....)

 

[ghost62]

What do you mean? An African or European swallow?

Lol!

 

[ghost62]

Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.

(man, I am such a freaking geek....)

Yeah, but I know exactly what you mean.
What does that say for me?

 

[kelli]

knock knock
who's there?
interrupting cow
interrupting cow w MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

[ghost62]

knock knock
who's there?
interrupting cow
interrupting cow w MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I'd hit 'like' but you cut me off.

 

[ghost62]

What does American beer have in common with making love on a beach?


They're both f'ing close to water!

 

[Shawn.freeman50]

I guy walks into his bedroom and his wife is tied up in bed.
She's says to him " you can do what ever you want""
20 minutes later he says" look at the build I did on my rda"

 

[galsvapetoo]

If I say "NEET!, NEET!" would you know the movie?

I actually don't or at least I don't think I do

 

[galsvapetoo]

Three guys go to a ski lodge and there aren't enough rooms so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up and unbelievably he's had the same dream too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny I dreamed I was skiing!

 

[kelli]

on that same theme.....

a guy walks into a bar. behind the bar is a sign that says "Hand Jobs $5, Cheese Sandwiches $2"
he looks at the barmaid and asks, "Are you the one who gives them handjobs?"
she smiles and exclaims "I surely am!"
he says "well go wash them things and make me a cheese sandwich".

 

[LouPop13]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God, I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get really screwed!”
.
.
.

 

[LouPop13]

** Not an Entry **

If I say "NEET!, NEET!" would you know the movie?

If it's the movie I'm thinking of, they don't say "neet"!! (it's Ni...)

 

[Tom.Allen12]

A communist, a socialist and a Muslim walk into a bar....
Bartender says " Hello Mr. President. "

 

[vaperature]

A communist, a socialist and a Muslim walk into a bar....
Bartender says " Hello Mr. President. "

To be grammatically correct, it should read "walks" into a bar, not "walk."

 

[Tom.Allen12]

To be grammatically correct, it should read "walks" into a bar, not "walk."

Walks would mean plural. .. in this case it's just one person walking into a bar. Grammer nazi