Jokes, Jokes and more Jokes!

[USMC8497]

Do you fart in bed ? If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husbands habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every mornin...g she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, Honey you were right all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you. What do you mean? asked his wife. Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in.............

 

[USMC8497]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

 

[USMC8497]

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

 

[Kingboomer]

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are at the OB/GYN. All are pregnant, and they're discussing what they're going to have. "I'm going to have a boy," said the brunette, "because when we conceived I was on bottom". "Well I'm having a girl," said the redhead, "because when we conceived I was on top". The blonde listens for a while, then bursts into tears. "What's wrong dear???" the other two ask with concern. Between sobs she manages to blurt out, "I'M GONNA HAVE PUPPIES!!!"


-Kingboomer

 

[USMC8497]

The 12 Days of Christmas

December 14, 1972
My dearest darling John:

Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.

My love always, Agnes
December 15, 1972
Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love, Agnes
December 16, 1972
Dear John:

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.

All my love, Agnes
December 17, 1972
Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.

Affectionately, Agnes
December 18, 1972
Dearest John:

What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love, Agnes
December 19, 1972
Dear John:

When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially, Agnes
December 20, 1972
John:

What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.

Sincerely, Agnes
December 21, 1972
O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes

December 22, 1972
Hey Shithead:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours! Agnes
December 23, 1972
You rotten prick:

Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm calling the police on you! Agnes
December 24, 1972
Listen Fuckhead:

What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy, Agnes
December 25, 1972
Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole

 

[USMC8497]

Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.

Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Sunny: "What's that?"

Tina: "A condom."

Sunny: "Where'd you get it?"

Tina: "You can get them at any chemist"

The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.

The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

 

[Kingboomer]

A blind guy decides to go for a walk. He passes by the fish market, inhales deeply thru his nose, and shouts out, " 'Morning ladies!"



-Kingboomer

 

[Kingboomer]

Little Johnny went to his grandparent's house for the weekend. That evening he was sitting outside on the porch with his grandpa, watching the sun set. He noticed his grandpa was smoking a pipe, and asked for a taste. "I don't know kid, can you touch your dick to your asshole?" Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "No..." "Well then," says his grandpa, "Once you can you can have some." the next morning Johnny and his grandpa are at the lake fishing, and gramps is having a beer. "Hey gramps can I have a drink of that?" asks Johnny. "I don't know kid, can you touch your dick to your asshole?" his grandpa asks. "No gramps I can't..." Replies Johnny. "Well then, once you can come talk to me." his grandpa replies. After fishing Johnny decides to see what grandma's doing, and she gives him a huge plate of fresh cookies and a big glass of cold milk. Gramps walks in and says, "Hey kid, those look good! Gimme one huh?" "I don't know gramps, can you touch your dick to your asshole?" asks Johnny. "Of course I can! I'm a grown man, you know that!" replies gramps angrily. "Good," Retorts Johnny, "You can go fuck yourself then, 'cause grandma made these cookies for ME!"


-Kingboomer

 

[Kingboomer]

Superman is flying around Metropolis one day when he notices Wonder Woman on the roof of the justice league sunbathing butt naked. "Damn," thinks Superman, "I'd like to hit that!" Then he thinks, "Wait a minute, I'm Superman! I'm faster then a speeding bullet! I can fly down there, break off a piece, and be gone before she figures out what's going on!" With that, Superman flies down, nails Wonder Woman, and flies away in the blink of an eye. Wonder Woman feels a gush of wind, hears a loud sonic boom, and asks out loud, "What the hell was that?!?!" And the Invisible Man says, " I don't know, but my asshole hurts!!!"


-Kingboomer