ARGH!

Discussion in 'U MAD BRO??' started by Khassy, Apr 12, 2017.

  1. Raymcconn

    Raymcconn Bronze Contributor

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    From what I have been told my MIL wasn't the nicest person to begin with. She has always talked nasty, it would shock me. I am not a prude but it would get bad sometimes. I wouldn't go over to her house that often because of how she acted. I really think this started years and years ago. This has taught me one thing, and I have someone checking on it today. Make sure I have nursing home insurance, I don't want to have to put my kids through any of this. If this was to happen to me.
     
  2. Khassy

    Khassy Platinum Contributor

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    Yeah, when she gets mean and shitty is what bothers my husband the most. Funny thing is bad language has always offended her, but now she throws around words like "bitch" and "bullshit" like it's nothing.

    Same. I walked around on eggshells with my own mother for years, never knowing when she'd lose her shit over nothing. I find myself doing the same thing now. I think the only time I seriously lost my temper with my MIL is when she was mad and called my older son "that thing." I totally lost it and yelled at her. I'll put up with a lot but I won't put up with her abusing my kids, even verbally. I may have to deal with it but they don't.
     
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  3. AndriaD

    AndriaD Shine on, you crazy... VU Donator Diamond Contributor Member For 3 Years ECF Refugee

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    My mom was always a mild cusser, hell and damn and shit, but she prided herself on never saying the F word... at least, until she got wicked drunk. But her nastiness was a lot more than language. It was that she always knew the right way to hurt me, to embarrass me, to make me feel small... which had the opposite from its intended effect, and just made me all the more eager to get the fuck away from her. 800 miles was nice. :) Once when I told her that no, I really didn't care if people "talked" about me but I hoped they at least told the truth, she told me I was psychopathic. I replied that anyone who had nothing better to do than gossip about me had a seriously boring life, and I hoped I at least helped to entertain them.

    An example of her emotional abuse: she always worked when I was young, because she divorced my drunk dad when I was 5... and until I got out of single digits, I pined for her. So I was always a stay-at-home mom, feeling that my child's wellbeing had a lot more to do with attention than a fancy house, and that I could not trust anyone else to have a vested interest in my child's wellbeing. My husband agreed wholeheartedly, so even though we were always kinda broke, my son knew that anytime he needed me, I was there -- I thought that kind of security was actually priceless for his longterm adjustment. But my mom always had to point out that if I worked, they wouldn't have to help us with groceries and clothes for our son, though I'm not really sure that's true, given that I have no degree and would have been extremely limited on job choices. It was just that whatever I did was never right, in her eyes.

    Andria
     
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  4. Khassy

    Khassy Platinum Contributor

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    [​IMG]

    As my kids have become adults, I may not agree with all of their choices, but I've tried hard to keep my opinions to myself and be supportive of them. When my younger son was involved with a horrid woman more than 20 years his elder, I tried not to criticize but let him figure out for himself that she wasn't a good person, and was there for him when they finally split up. I try to nudge them in the right direction in certain things, but what they ultimately do is up to them.
     
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  5. AndriaD

    AndriaD Shine on, you crazy... VU Donator Diamond Contributor Member For 3 Years ECF Refugee

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    Yeah... after having endured my mom's attempts at controlling me, all I've ever wanted for my son, and told him as much, as that he be the best HIM he can be, and be happy doing it. Even when he told me, at the age of 18, that he was either bi or gay, he hadn't figured out which yet, I told him all I wanted for him was to be happy, with whatever choices he made, and that as far as sexual or romantic partners, all I really cared about was that he respect himself and the person he chose to be with, and that they respect him too. His dad agrees with all that. I also told him that if he ever ran across any "needy" people... RUN AWAY FAST!!! :giggle:

    When he was in high school, my mom objected to the fact that he enjoyed video games and the whole DnD scene, and not sports. "He's a geek," she said. I said, yes, and the richest man in the world is a geek, so where exactly is the problem? ;) She says "You need to make him get into sports." I said "The only thing I'm going to MAKE him is food!" Once when he was 15, he called me a control freak -- and I laughed at him. I said "with the grammy that you have... you think *I* am a control freak?" He thought about that, and promptly apologized. :D

    Andria
     
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  6. Khassy

    Khassy Platinum Contributor

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  7. Raymcconn

    Raymcconn Bronze Contributor

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    This sounds promising.
     
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  8. Khassy

    Khassy Platinum Contributor

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    We're having mini cinnamon sugar-coated donuts for breakfast.

    Her: Wow, these are salty! (she often complains about things being too salty when they're fine to everyone else)
    Me: Salty? There's no salt on them.
    Her: Well, this stuff on top.
    Me: That's sugar and cinnamon.
    Her: Well, it's the same thing.
    Me: Sugar and salt are very different, not at all the same thing.
    Her: Well, salt is what you put on things, sugar is in them. So this is like salt.
    Me: ... o_O
     
  9. AndriaD

    AndriaD Shine on, you crazy... VU Donator Diamond Contributor Member For 3 Years ECF Refugee

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    Gruel. That's what she needs. oatmeal, with zero sugar or butter or anything.

    Andria
     
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  10. Khassy

    Khassy Platinum Contributor

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    The odd thing is that she was eating really bizarre stuff this time last year. She'd have a salad with salad dressing, jelly and enchiladas on it. She would combine all sorts of weird shit together. Then slowly stopped eating like that and has gotten to the point where she doesn't like much seasoning on things at all. Strange.
     
  11. Raymcconn

    Raymcconn Bronze Contributor

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    Sounds like she might of or beginning to loose her taste. I know my MIL can not taste much if anything anymore. We think that is why it is hard to get her to eat. Well that and according to her we never feed her anyway.
    Now on a lighter note, her bedroom is close to the kitchen, her TV is so loud you can hear it in the kitchen. So I went into the kitchen Friday and she had put on a music channel. Well she was in her room listening to Iron Madden. LOL
     
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  12. Khassy

    Khassy Platinum Contributor

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    I think it's more likely from the pack of cigs she smokes every day. Or close to a pack. She's constantly complaining (in a joking way, usually) about how I'm going to make her fat by feeding her so much. But she usually eats 2 meals a day, doesn't eat much at either of them, and none of her clothes are getting too tight. :giggle:

    That's awesome! Mine can't figure out how to use the TV remote so we have a note that we keep with it that tells her exactly which one button to push to turn it on. Sometimes, though, she doesn't bother looking at the note so she'll sit here for 2 hours until I get up pressing every single button on the remote. Stubborn ol' nag. :facepalm:
     
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  13. Raymcconn

    Raymcconn Bronze Contributor

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    She does try and answer it as if it was a phone also. Even when the phone never rang. :giggle:
     
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  14. Khassy

    Khassy Platinum Contributor

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    Mine can't remember how to use her phone. Ever. We've tried and it's hopeless. We just have her carry it because it has her name and our address and contact info on the back of the case. :giggle:
     
  15. Raymcconn

    Raymcconn Bronze Contributor

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    Trust me It might be a blessing she cant use phone. One time she actually answered her phone and it was my wife's doctors office. She went on to the receptionist how we abuse her. So no phone is not a bad thing. I sometimes unplug it from main phone so it wont ring. LOL
     
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  16. Khassy

    Khassy Platinum Contributor

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    We tried drilling into her head that she needs to wait until it shows who is calling, because she gets a ton of spam calls, mostly because of the bankruptcy. People wanting to give her loans and all kinds of idiots. She couldn't grasp that if it was someone she knew, it would show their name and photo and otherwise, she shouldn't answer it. But occasionally she would and it was funny as hell listening to her going "What? WHAT? WHAT?? I don't understand what you're saying!" for several minutes to the telemarketers.

    I just got a hug and a kiss on the cheek. o_O She said I was a good person and a good helper. I helped her clean the 3 pounds of flotsam from her handbag and get her ready to get picked up by her friend. When I told my husband, he said, "Day's still young." :giggle:
     
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  17. Raymcconn

    Raymcconn Bronze Contributor

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    We try same thing or I should say tried same thing. Now we just carry phone with us. If it is her friend or family we let her try and answer
    At least it is a nice way to start the day. Maybe it is a sign today will be a good day!!
     
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  18. Khassy

    Khassy Platinum Contributor

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    I hope so. God knows she's been in a shitty enough mood all weekend.
     
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  19. Raymcconn

    Raymcconn Bronze Contributor

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    My MIL was taken to hospital yesterday evening by ambulance. Her blood sugar tanked and her temp was real low. This sounds bad but this will help, we now can get all the help we need to get her in a nursing home vs. setting up appointments with senior services, home visits and all the different applications. Now we are just waiting to see what she has been saying at the hospital this morning. That could get interesting and she could find herself sedated.
     
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  20. Khassy

    Khassy Platinum Contributor

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    I'm both sorry and happy for you. I see the good and bad in the situation and I hope it turns out for the best.

    Mine is starting to have more extreme mood swings. I got up this morning like normal, got the dogs up like normal. She was sitting on the sofa watching the tv and petting one of the dogs while I got her breakfast. I told her it was ready, took the dog out to do what he does, came back in and she was sitting at the dining table sobbing hard over her waffles. No idea why, no clue what happened in the 2 minutes it took me to take the dog out. She cried the entire time she was eating, finished and sat back on the sofa as if nothing had happened. o_O
     
  21. Raymcconn

    Raymcconn Bronze Contributor

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    Those are hard to deal with, you feel sorry for them. When asked the doctor didn't know why that happened. My theory is they are upset because they don't like being this way. I only say that since one time that happened to us my MIL told us she hated being this way. Not very scientific hypothesis but it was the only thing we could figure out.
     
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  22. Raymcconn

    Raymcconn Bronze Contributor

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    Well it is official. She will not be coming home. Sr services and the case worker agree that she cant go home and we told them we can no longer take care of her. Now the next step, it is horrible feeling but at the same time a relief. My wife also was able to get medical power of attorney since she could not answer all of the evaluation questions. Now the hard part, my granddaughter was a bit upset this morning peaking in her room and talking about the hospital. Wonder what happens when she finds out she isn't coming back??
     
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  23. AndriaD

    AndriaD Shine on, you crazy... VU Donator Diamond Contributor Member For 3 Years ECF Refugee

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    How old is said granddaughter?

    Andria
     
  24. Raymcconn

    Raymcconn Bronze Contributor

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    She will be 2 on May 7th, I have a grandson that will be 4 on May 31st. I am not sure how much he is understanding at the moment. We did talk to him this morning about grandma going to live where people can help. We shall see, they both hate change.
     
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  25. Khassy

    Khassy Platinum Contributor

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    That's the one good thing here, no youngsters around. I'm glad she'll be getting the help she needs. It's a big strain on the family trying to care for them.
     
  26. Raymcconn

    Raymcconn Bronze Contributor

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    I think it is more of a strain on the ones home with them all day. I get to go to work. I am gone for 9 - 10 hrs a day. Everyone that stays home and has to plan the day around the care of the individual has it the hardest I think. I don't try and take credit for that.
     
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  27. Khassy

    Khassy Platinum Contributor

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    My husband feels the same. He tries to take as much burden off me as he can when he's home after work and on weekends. It helps, believe me. It's even a big help knowing the other sibs understand what a strain it can be, even though they aren't here to help with her.
     
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  28. AndriaD

    AndriaD Shine on, you crazy... VU Donator Diamond Contributor Member For 3 Years ECF Refugee

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    Then it's their first lesson, change is constant, a regular part of life.

    Andria
     
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  29. Raymcconn

    Raymcconn Bronze Contributor

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    With out going into all the details a lot of this has to do with the kids mother. I agree as far as the lesson goes. Just a early age to have to learn it the way they are.
     
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  30. AndriaD

    AndriaD Shine on, you crazy... VU Donator Diamond Contributor Member For 3 Years ECF Refugee

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    Well, learning change within a safe loving environment is the best way; it makes it less threatening, and makes them more capable of absorbing future changes with a good attitude. Change can be scary, but it can also be wonderful!

    Andria
     
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  31. Raymcconn

    Raymcconn Bronze Contributor

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    I was talking with my grandson last night explaining he will get his room back in a few weeks. Here is what he said:
    Its OK Papa, I don't want it. It stinks now... :giggle:

    I assured him it will not stink. HA
    Hope everyone has a good day.
     
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  32. Khassy

    Khassy Platinum Contributor

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    A pragmatist. :D He'll do fine.

    The Dementor needed a refill of soda this morning. As I was pouring it, she was fascinated that it's pink when it's poured. But it's dark when it's just sitting in the bottle. She can't figure it out and is amazed by it. It's cherry Dr. Pepper. :teehee:
     
  33. Raymcconn

    Raymcconn Bronze Contributor

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    That will keep her thinking all day, or until something else comes up.
    Not sure if that is what they mean by stimulation therapy but if it works. LOL
     
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  34. Khassy

    Khassy Platinum Contributor

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    Husband had to take her to the lawyer's today, which will keep her confused and asking about it all day. She's got to quit-claim some property from the bankruptcy. I had to hear for about the 30000th time today how she never learned to like coffee and about the first time she ever tried it. I think I have most of her life memorized by now. :giggle: And God knows I know far too much about her sex life with my FIL. :blech:
     
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  35. Raymcconn

    Raymcconn Bronze Contributor

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    I have a question for everyone. Any help would be great.
    We need to have my dad tested for early Alzheimer's, him being my dad wont do it.
    It this normal? Well for my dad yes, It is but was it normal from everyone elses experience? My mom wants to get him on meds but because of the stupid privacy laws now cant do anything. I have to try and convice him somehow to catch this early if indeed it is Alzheimer's.
     
  36. Raymcconn

    Raymcconn Bronze Contributor

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    I will admit, I have not missed the same conversation over and over again the past few days. Why is it that they seem to think we need to know about their private parts or sex life. I have been grossed out many of times.
     
  37. AndriaD

    AndriaD Shine on, you crazy... VU Donator Diamond Contributor Member For 3 Years ECF Refugee

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    Mainly you just have to nag him so constantly and annoyingly, he agrees just to shut you up. :giggle: I had the same problem with my husband about his hypertension, which of course is usually without any symptoms -- to him, if he doesn't "feel bad," then there's nothing wrong with him. I had to keep harping on the fact that uncontrolled hypertension causes early death, and I was not prepared to go on living without him, so if he died, I'd have to just kill myself. :D Which is still true, but now he sees the VA and his HBP is well-controlled. And they even detected and then cured his Hep C, so that was a huge win all around.

    Andria
     
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  38. Raymcconn

    Raymcconn Bronze Contributor

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    Thank you, I will leave the nagging to my brother who lives by them. Another words I am chicken. LOL
    They will get me if I have to step in, the always do for family issues.
    I feel horrible now because I haven't talked to my mom about this since the MIL moved in 8 months ago. I guess she would of told me of any changes. God I feel bad.
     
  39. AndriaD

    AndriaD Shine on, you crazy... VU Donator Diamond Contributor Member For 3 Years ECF Refugee

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    Well sometimes the nagging just doesn't work -- we ALL nagged my mom constantly about her sugar intake, and it did no good whatsofuckingever. So she died at 75, of all the general problems that go with uncontrolled diabetes, and led to systemic infection and organ failure. If someone is truly determined to be obstinate, there really isn't a lot that can be done about it.

    Andria
     
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  40. Khassy

    Khassy Platinum Contributor

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    Yup, normal. They insist nothing is wrong with them if you point out that there is, but then at other times, they recognize that something is wrong but don't want to accept what it is. It's an insidious disease and no one wants to admit they have it.

    Michael Palin of Monty Python fame posted this on his FB page yesterday:

    Dementia doesn’t care who you are. It’s set to be the 21st century’s biggest killer, with someone developing the condition every three minutes. My close friend Terry Jones is one of those affected. The progress of his dementia has been painful to watch, it’s deprived him of the ability to speak. That’s why I’ve United Against Dementia with Alzheimer’s Society – the UK’s leading dementia charity. Last year I joined my friends Carey Mulligan and Michael Parkinson to discuss dementia on the Today programme for BBC Radio 4. We agreed it was time to come together to offer help and understanding, improve care and urgently find a cure for dementia. Unite with us now at www.alzheimers.org.uk
     
  41. Khassy

    Khassy Platinum Contributor

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    Recent conversations:

    MIL: I'm going for a short walk.
    Me: Do you have your phone with you?
    MIL: *pulls something from purse* Is this it?
    Me: No, that's your wallet. I'll find your phone.

    MIL: These carrots are really hard. They aren't cooked enough.
    Me: Do you have your teeth in?
    MIL: No, but I shouldn't need them to eat.
    Me: ...
     
  42. Khassy

    Khassy Platinum Contributor

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    Well, I'm not proud of it but I just yelled at her. Her memory has been getting noticeably worse lately, if you can imagine that even happening. Today, she's decided that she's missing 5 pairs of granny panties. She swears she had 15 and now just has 10 accounted for. She's absolutely convinced of it. She was yelling at me about it when I asked if she'd checked in her luggage, which is still packed from the last time she lost her temper and decided to run away from home. "I may still leave!" she yells, so I snapped and yelled "Fine, then take your shit and get out!" *sigh* I really am embarrassed to admit that I lost my temper but I just got so fed up. She's even taken to carrying her purse around in the house and to smoke outside rather than finding random places in her room to hide it, so we don't steal her cigarettes. I've just about reached my wit's end. :(
     
  43. AndriaD

    AndriaD Shine on, you crazy... VU Donator Diamond Contributor Member For 3 Years ECF Refugee

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    Thought your husband and his siblings were going to get her into some kind of professional care.

    Andria
     
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  44. Khassy

    Khassy Platinum Contributor

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    Yeah, me, too. No idea when, though.
     
  45. Khassy

    Khassy Platinum Contributor

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    He's emailing them right now about it. She just came in here and told him she wanted to move out. So he laid out her options - nursing home/assisted living, or to live with her other son in Iowa IF he can take her in. He told her very clearly that none of them will let her live alone because of her memory issues. She's sitting at the dining room table sobbing now. Something has to give, though. It's time.
     
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  46. eSMOKA

    eSMOKA Bronze Contributor Member For 2 Years

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    Question: Was your MIL a bitch before she got dementia?
     
  47. Khassy

    Khassy Platinum Contributor

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    Kinda, yeah. At least to me. Never did like me much, no idea why. She was always polite enough on the surface but would say things in ways where I had no trouble discerning her meaning.

    I wouldn't even call her a bitch now. Bitchy at times, yes. But there's a difference, at least to me.
     
  48. eSMOKA

    eSMOKA Bronze Contributor Member For 2 Years

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    Well, I have a lot of experience with bitches and dementia in my family. All I can say is that I feel extra bad for you seeing how you are not even a blood relative to her. Your husband needs to step up to the plate and get her into a home.

    I have been a caregiver and still am one (for family members -- and it has ruined my life in so many ways) and my aunt is a caregiver for her mom (my grandmother) who has dementia and she (my grandma) doesn't deserve it for what she put my family and her daughters through. She literally ruined people's lives, as did my parents to some extent. Luckily she is so far gone (mentally) she can't even talk and has no memory, therefore she can't be a bitch. She's just a babbling hunk of flesh. However, she also cannot do anything for herself at all, therefore she is as big a burden now as she was a when she was younger and healthy.

    Although she was never a bitch to me personally, I will never forgive her for what she did to ruin the lives of others in my family (and mine, indirectly) nor will I forgive them for letting her. She was a bitch because people let her be a bitch. I do not strip ANYONE of their moral agency who just sat back and let her be a bitch and a conniver just because she was a woman and a mother/grandmother. I was too young at the time to know or do anything. But if she was that way today, I would not let her get away with it. In fact, she probably would not even be in my life. She put my father and my family in hell when she was healthier. Then, when my father dies, she kinda tones it down. TOO FUCKING LATE, THE DAMAGE WAS DONE.

    I refuse to help and have any part in giving care to her. Partly because I have my own burden of giving care to someone else, but mostly because she does not deserve my time or anyone else's time. I know it's a burden on my aunt, but I hope that someday she will wise up and put her in a home. But, as in prior years, she does things for her mother (and let her get away with "murder") because she is her mother. In fact, I know (and she knows) that if she put her in a home, the guilt would be so strong for her, she could never bear it. Bullshit! That does not give her (or anyone) an excuse for what she did to others. We like to give parents (especially mothers) a pass on moral agency, but this has detrimental affects on people's lives in a case where the person is morally corrupt. Mother/Father status means nothing when such status is used for abusive or immoral behavior.

    I say "especially mothers" because it is a well-documented fact throughout generations that mothers/MILs tend to treat their DILs/SILs in-law like crap. It's usually for no good reason, but they do it because they are allowed by others to do it. Being a mother (or a father) does not strip you of your moral agency! Yet, in our society, we do just that. And it is perpetuated from generation to generation.

    She'll be 97 soon, she keeps kickin'.

    Don't fall into the "well, I'll just put up with it, how much longer can the old hag live anyway" trap! Your MIL could live until she's over 100. If smoking didn't kill her yet, it likely won't. Hubby and his siblings need to take action ASAP. Things will get worse. Even if she gets so demented she cannot be a bitch anymore, she will not be able to feed, shower, take care of herself. This will be your and your hubby's job if you don't get rid of her.

    Good luck. I hope it turns out well so you can get the peace you deserve.
     
  49. AndriaD

    AndriaD Shine on, you crazy... VU Donator Diamond Contributor Member For 3 Years ECF Refugee

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    I tend to go along with @eSMOKA -- my mother wasn't morally corrupt, she was just spoiled rotten, by pretty much everyone in her family, so she grew up and remained convinced that she was supposed to have her way in EVERYTHING -- even, to her physical detriment, in the matter of her diet; she was diabetic for a long time, but never surrendered, never gave in to watching her sugar intake, nor even checking her blood-sugar levels, as every other diabetic I've ever known did regularly, and that's why she died at the relatively-youthful age of 75 (I know that sounds kinda old, but her mother lived to be 99, and her father even managed to get to 85 before colon cancer metastasized thru his body and killed him). She remained an emotional child of about 8 yrs old, all her life -- she had that same mindset that an 8 yr old has, that she was in charge of everything, completely convinced that she was "the boss of you" -- which is why I had to move 800 miles away when I was not quite 24, and remain gone for 5 yrs.

    My stepfather and my aunt both enabled her horribly, and one of the things she disliked most about me is that I would NOT enable her -- and it's really funny, but my husband wouldn't enable her either, in fact he would remove every bit of sugar-containing crap from her house that he could find, yet she liked him a lot more than she liked me! So it's not always true that MiL's hate their children-in-law, even when the children-in-law speak up for their spouses about being treated so shabbily (as my husband occasionally did). My aunt was so blind to the enabling behavior that when I commented to her that my mom had brought her early death on herself with her lifestyle, she got very angry with me and said "She did not! She WANTED to live!" but it was clear to both me and my husband that my mom wanted what she wanted (sweets) and devil take the hindmost.

    But as sad as it is that she died, it's really a mercy, because I had already stated to my husband that my mother would NEVER EVER live with me, and it's also certain that she would never have wanted to do so, nor to live in any sort of "old folks' home," because she was too willful, too opinionated, too set in her ways and determined to have her own way -- which everyone knows doesn't fly with any nurses of any kind. So, she got what she wanted all her life... and now she sleeps 6 ft under, because of it.

    Andria
     
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  50. eSMOKA

    eSMOKA Bronze Contributor Member For 2 Years

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    Please understand that when I say "morally corrupt" I don't mean JUST people who goes around committing crimes, sleeps around on their spouse, or anything like that. Morally corrupt, in the philosophical world, means basically a person who does/says things without regard for it's negative impact on others, and usually justifies it in some non-nonsensical way like "well, I'm his mother" or "I'm the man of the house" or, "that's what my parents did". These things, while important, lose their value when they are taken to a point of destruction for others.

    So in other words, a person is spoiled rotten, but that does not strip them of their moral agency. A person who has a negative aspect of their life/personality must keep that to themselves or fix that negative thing so as to not let it affect the lives of others in a negative way.

    It's like a child a abuser who strips himself of any moral agency because his father abused him. It doesn't work out well in the long run because that teaches is child (whom he is abusing) that they will likely go on to abuse their own children and therefore it is at least somewhat justified (even though it's morally unjust). Like is if they have no control over anything.

    Just because it is hard to change your ways it does not absolve you of the BS you introduce into other peoples' lives which will have a great impact on those lives.

    You can be however you want to be and justify it anyway you want to justify it. But as soon as you drag others into your downward spiral of a world you live in, it becomes a different matter altogether.
     
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