Well stated Buddah222!
I've been addicted to many substances over the years. Started cigs and p*t at 10yo, c*ke and **** at 13, **ium 15. Never stuck a needle in my arm but have used **iates since age 15 as well...
I have been (mostly) clean/sober for about 10 years now, other than these GD **iates which are prescribed. Yes I'm addicted but until I'm given something else that kills the pain enough for me to get out of bed and have some resemblance of life, I will remain dependent.
I know several ppl who have kicked addictions, including h**oin but are unable to get off nicotine (cigs or whatever form).
My father has very bad COPD yet still vapes a bit. Claims it's more hand to mouth than nic, uses 3mg nic at 9watts 1.6ohm about 2ml a day so... Not much, but still can't QUIT.
He is the one who introduced me to vaping about 10 years ago. Had to pre order a box mod and wait 2 weeks for it to be built and shipped. They all leaked horribly after the first week of use. This was a cpl years before there WAS even a hint of ecig stores ANYWHERE.
Back to the other stuff....
While I loved **ium, I don't think I was strongly addicted to it but perhaps it was due to being mostly unobtainable and honestly don't know for sure how pure it was. Hell, it's possible it wasn't even *pium!
Now c***k (freebase c*caine it was called long before the term c**ck was coined) had a VERY strong grip on me and cost me dearly when I was about 18, then again around age 30. Much stronger grip than the powdered form that had a grip on my dad in the 60's and that I indulged in heavily around the age of 17.
Thouroghly enjoyed large and frequent amounts of *** for about 10 years until I caught a felony possession charge due to being set up by the head housekeeper at a small inn I lived in and ran for a short period during a college internship while working on a bachelor's in hotel/rest management.
P*t, my all time favorite since I was 9yo, had a grip on me as well and ate up much of my income for many, many years. Never thought I'd see the day it became legal!
Cigs.. I've picked butts out of ashtrays, off the ground, would make re-rolls in jail from my left over butts. Very nasty addiction. Went without food and necessities many times in order to buy them. Would bum them when I could but was mostly fortunate in that I've always had a job, since age 12 so 90% of my spending over the years went to cigs, drugs and alcohol.
I guess I just have an addictive personality, be it food, drugs, alcohol, sex, TV... Whatever. Early exposure to several substances surely influenced this, IMO.
Alcohol.. Never really liked it and didn't really drink much at all until road construction blocked off the entrance to my restaurant... Lost 298k including my parents house. The depression that followed was exacerbated by increased alcohol consumption to the point of a gallon + per week of 100 proof rum.
Have been to numerous shrinks who cycled me through over a dozen meds, none of which helped my issues and several that made things worse including 3 attempted suicides.
Through all of this, I owned restaurants, ran restaurants, Inns and B & B's. Also have 2 children and was married 16 years (together nearly 20 years) . During which time I did ALL of the shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, homework/activities with kids, car repairs, etc, etc. She was very good at doing nothing.
I was a highly functioning addict/user and my kids/family NEVER went without their needs and mostly got what they wanted as well.
I was a responsible user/addict and managed to keep it together through all my troubles.. For the most part. But will admit I could not have done so without the support of my wife and parents.. Mostly parents. I have put them through hell and back several times.
I am highly ashamed of my behavior and life choices and am now doing all I can to move forward in life and help them to the best of my abilities.
I became disabled about 10 years ago due to failed spine surgery. The relentless abuse on my body over the years, through both substance abuse and often working 80+hrs a week, has certainly taken its toll.
I am currently working towards a degree in programming so I can work from home, as able, in an attempt to get off disability and restore my life. The measly checks from disability are not enough to cover rent so I live in my parents attic (FROG). My son is 19 and out on his own with a gf who dropped out of high school, refuses to work and lives to see the next Big Mac she can shove in her face. I raised him better but also feel its my fault he has put himself in this situation. I have 50/50 custody of my 13yo daughter who has a long road ahead. Her mother's refusal to stay with me due to my loss of income combined with her (wife's) inept and lazy attitude on life has messed her (daughter) up beyond measure.
My deteriorating health is causing a lot of depression, anxiety and uncertainty. Since I lost my parents house with the restaurant, they had to do a reverse mortgage, when they are gone I will be homeless.. unless I can get this degree and find work that will support me the rest of my life.
I take full responsibility for my situation and wish nothing more than to travel back in time and beat myself sensible at the age of 10. This all started well before I was capable of comprehending the severity of my actions and went off the rails before I had a chance to realize I was driving the train.
Time flies and cannot be reversed so I trudge on through this life of hell but also realize it could be so, so much worse and consider myself lucky to be alive at this point. I never expected to live past 25.
I was born with deformed feet. Doctors told my parents I would never be able to walk but I defied the odds and I altered reality in many ways in order to survive and get by.
I am currently in fear of paralysis as I spent the majority of last week in bed because something is once again wrong with my spine. I was unable to even stand up without crippling pain so 2 MRI's this week to hopefully figure out what's wrong and correct it. I fear another surgery requiring 14-16 months of recovery is in my near future. I fear the reality of not walking again has arrived.
I am battling the insanity of all this and would prefer for it to all just be OVER. What do I have left to offer anyone except grief - mental, physical and economical?
What gives me the right to force this on my family?
Who am I to insist everyone suffers at my expense?
I don't see suicide as being selfish, I see living as the selfish act!
That being said, I am grateful that I am living with my parents as I have seen them through some really hard times over the last 6 months. My mom almost died twice. Had I not been here to call an ambulance and take care of them during recovery, I don't think they would still be here. My dad's COPD almost killed him a month ago and again, had I not been here, I don't think he would be sitting beside me right now.
Twice in my life I have saved a child from drowning. Once around age 6 I saved my best friend and then again a few years ago I saved a boy whose mother was too busy chatting up her friend to notice her son drowning in the deep end of the pool.
I have rescued animals, I have volunteered at animal shelters and homeless shelters. I am caring and compassionate. I have brought a little bit of good into this cruel world despite the pain I brought too.
Why am I saying all of this in an ecig forum? I don't have the answer to that. It was just a knee jerk reply to an open, heart felt response from another member. Maybe someone will see it and it will help them. Not really on topic for the thread but that seldom seems to be the case in any forum.
Thanks for putting up with me, thanks for allowing me to rant and spew my guts. And thanks for the help re-entering the ecig DIY world.
If nothing else, it explains my user name, thoroughly..
BrokenChef